CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”