MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
You Might Also Like
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Who called it baking and not making love
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to