“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Nice try Hitler
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.