When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)