The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE