Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?