They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
For the orator and chef in all of us
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.