My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.