New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Self-cleaning conscience
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much