4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!