An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My birthstone is kidney
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Very problematic
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
accurate
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?