[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
okay run it by me one more time
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh