My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice