As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
#titanic
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.