*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!