Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Sunday
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that