My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?