After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
some cats are just doing for fun!
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym