[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]