Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
peak technology
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones