I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.