shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours