My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Did I do this right
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.