I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Dolls on drugs
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE