This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.