I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.