Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.