*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.