You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Lassie, get help!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?