some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.