I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.