friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
scrabbled eggs
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.