Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
This will teach them to underestimate me
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.