“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
kitchen magnet
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..