[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve