“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Confused owl: What?!
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*