My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
meow
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?