I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*