[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You Might Also Like
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.