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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
next level snooze
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor