When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Optional boss fight.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing