Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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I am yelling
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.