You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
A French press is when you hug naked
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now