One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.