I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.