How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You Might Also Like
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )