I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
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Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.