aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right