Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Same pineapple, same
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]