Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Good morning, Twitter x
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.